During my time in ministry, the majority of the grief I received was from people who came already professing to be Christians, and already had experience from other Baptist churches. They typically come in wanting you to respect their years of church experience and often want you to know that they know things. Of course their knowledge of things tends to be inflated in their own mind. To these folks, you’re a novelty, a new pastor to try out. They come in with a sense of optimism, but it is often short lived. They even grow for little while. But before long, the same thing that made them a malcontent at the last church will make them a malcontent at yours.

I got so used to this progression, that in my logged data, a pattern began to emerge. What follows is the result of the years of that data. This allowed me to, with uncanny and disturbing accuracy, predict the downfall of these purported Christians before it happened. I hope this helps you not be blindsided by these people.

DISTRACTION

Something has affected the Christian's focus on Christ. This can be anything from taking on too much work, experiencing family tragedies, creeping into technology/media addictions (even seemingly innocuous ones), and global pandemics. The point is, the Christian life becomes lower in priority than the thing, whatever it is. Observant shepherds can see this taking place.

If you see this beginning, take note, pray, and offer encouragement and help in this step. In fact, in my own experience, once they make it past this step, the progression cannot be stopped easily, if at all. Nip it here if you can.

DESCENT

A distracted Christian descends into sin eventually. It's not always something we view as heinous and egregious like pornography or drugs. Usually, it's an attitude. The distracted Christian is not spiritually equipped to biblically forbear one with another. Their spiritual armor is in disrepair or off entirely. They may not always voice their annoyance, but inwardly they have descended into the territory of familiarity-based contempt with others in the church, most often the pastor. From their perspective, the pastor or the people have changed, and they don't like it. Usually, they are the one who has changed, and they are simply less forbearing with others now. But they are blind to it. They see flaws in others now for which they used to simply extended grace. Observant shepherds can see this happening as well. It may be a subtle comment a member makes about another. Or perhaps it's a new criticism they have of you.

Take note, pray, and speak up if needed. I have seen some come back from this point, but not the majority. The next step seems to be the point of no return.

DISAGREEING

Remember, their guiding star has become something other than Christ (distraction), and they’ve been fooled by a bad attitude into thinking their church environment has changed. This step of disagreement happens because they are no longer seeing things with Spirit-filled observation. They now notice issues to disagree over because their worldview has literally been altered. Their lack of forbearance with the people/pastor has now bled over into issues, debates, and practices to fuss about. To be fair, there are some disagreements that should change the relationship between a member and his church, perhaps sever it. And knowing this, they feel a separation happening. This leaves them feeling that in some sense they don't simply want to leave the church, but that they have to leave the church. To them, it's only fair to leave. This is often where this progression becomes more evident to others in the church. The people begin to notice that they either voice disagreements and/or contempt a lot now. Some are like this. Or as is more often the case, they now interact much less. They recluse. They are less verbal and more socially awkward. This leads to the next step.

DISTANCING

Conversations with the pastor are now avoided because he represents Christ and the Holy Spirit, and so do members they no longer align with. That uncomfortable feeling they are having is usually conviction, and it comes from a lack of like-mindedness with the church that unbeknownst to them, they have caused. Their direction is now palpably different from the direction God’s people are headed. There is now a mutual feeling that we are no longer playing from the same sheet of music. The pastor and observant members can see it. They often show up late, seem sterile and distant, and leave right after the last amen. It didn’t used to be that way, but the fellowship is eroded or gone now. Take note of this when you see. You know what comes next.

DROPPING IN AND OUT

The inward distancing you could sense in the previous step, now becomes outward distancing you can see in their attendance. They will begin finding reasons they can’t be in church. This gets people used to not seeing them around in hopes of easing themselves out. This phase may include hopping to other churches. It will sometimes result in them suddenly changing their beliefs about church. All of a sudden, they believe local church membership is unbiblical and a way of controlling people. They begin to see being detached as more biblical. Their discomfort changed their doctrine. It was not a change in doctrine that made them feel discomfort. Improved doctrine should precede change, but these folks change first and fit the doctrine later.

 

DE-VALUING UNTO DELUSION

At a certain point, they can't tolerate the awkwardness much more. People are asking if they were ok last Sunday, etc. They now must find a fault with the pastor to make him not worthy of their attention and submission anymore. And it needs to be believable or at the very least vague enough to make an argument over. Mentally and spiritually they have to force this step for the process to move forward. Why? Because people tend to not depart from those they value. This step is a setup for departure. Their opinion of the value of the pastoral leadership must change, and it has to leave them with the moral high ground. So there will be a delusion that happens here. This delusion helps them feel morally justified over the next four steps - four things they used to see as wrong or ill-advised. Their progression in this list has made them petty and vindictive, and this step fools them into feeling principled and righteous. They don't even know they're doing it. And they really believe their decisions are sensible.

To demonstrate how delusional this process makes people, I had a church member sit across from me in my home workshop. He showed up for counsel. I shared with him some of the things I've written here and he said, "I'd never do that to you, Pastor. I'd never do those things." Literally within weeks he was gone, doing the exact things he told me he wouldn't do. On the Sunday that he finally left, I told my wife on the way to church, “Today’s the day. He’s gone”. Sure enough we got to church and on my desk was his church keys and a note. This progression is disturbingly accurate. And all the while, he felt morally justified and principled in his decision. "I've lost confidence in your counsel, Pastor," he said. He couldn't see the forest for the trees or how tone deaf he’d become to the spirit of God. In his heart, he had to devalue me to ensure he would feel righteous for leaving.

You'll sometimes have people tell you they are leaving for "conscience reasons." Again, devaluing unto the point of delusion.

DEPARTURE

This is when they leave the church finally. Often, this step comes as a surprise to pastors who haven't been observant or privy to the things written here. The warning signs were all there. In some cases, people will have an “exit interview” with the pastor if they feel a bit of self-righteous hubris, or if they simply want to let the pastor "have it." But often, they'll give you their reasons later when you finally get a hold of them. In some cases, they will "ghost" you. This means they will not answer calls, texts, emails, and they won't even come to the door if you visit.

I had one lady so thoroughly ghost me I thought she had died or moved away. I never saw or heard from her again despite my best efforts.

DEFAMATION

This is related to the de-valuing step, but this is when they begin telling all future inquirers that their former pastor (that's you) was a bad guy. Or they may even readily volunteer this information. This reinforces their feelings of having the moral high-ground even though they don’t have that. And it makes ignorant folks they tell think they're a principled Christian even though they are not. They have to do this as a form of self-soothing that if they repeat enough it must be true.

DISASTER

This either happens in this life, at the Judgement Seat, or both. Sometime Christians get away with backsliding in this life (to a point), and they seem to prosper, at least from what you can see. They would never let you find out if they didn't. Other times, their life becomes a train wreck where their chastisement by God is more obvious. In either case, the Judgement Seat will sting for them. Additionally, they have now created a pattern they will have to repeat at every church they go to that even remotely preaches Scripture. They have now placed a limiter, a threshold that every Bible-preaching pastor will eventually find. If they ever spiritually mature, they will know that they did you wrong. They can't let that happen. So, they will often spend their life going from one church to the next, each time telling the pastor how much they love the place until he inadvertently preaches right over their threshold. Then they begin this process all over again.

I saw this countless times. I can still see their faces. It is immature, ungodly, and tragic behavior. They will eat the fruit of their own doings. Use this list and some basic powers of observation, and these people won't be such a shock to your system. You'll be able to predict it with uncanny accuracy, and hopefully be able to help rescue some.